The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
