shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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