Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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