Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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