Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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