Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
