Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
