You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
