Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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