I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
