dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
