38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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