god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
