She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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