So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
