sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
