apparently the secret to your success is patron
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
