Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
