someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
