when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
