i love accidental penises.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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