it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize