i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
