weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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