Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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