if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
