just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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