ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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