One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're making bets on your personal life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
