How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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