Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
