You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
