ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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