but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
