why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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