That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
What a dumb baby whore.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
