I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
