so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
