Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
