just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
