Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
