If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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