my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
