i barfeds in our rink
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
