I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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