There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
