allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
