my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
