i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
