Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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