i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can you repeat that, but with context?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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