Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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