just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
