Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
