What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
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One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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