phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
