i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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