Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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