I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
