I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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