This is not my ceiling
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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