I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
